In The Blair Witch Project in Space, I mean, Apollo 18, three astronauts Bob (Warren Christie), Nate (Ryan Robbins) Johnny (Lloyd Owen) are sent to the moon on a classified mission. Two of the astronauts are sent to the moons surface in order to complete the mission while one sits in orbit around the moon.
The two astronauts start to notice weird occurrences on the moon and realize they are not alone. They struggle to get back to Earth but whatever is on the moon with them, doesn't want them leaving.
The aliens in this movie are a cross between the rock crabs in Pirates of the Caribbean 3, the face huggers from Aliens, and Big Foot. Big Foot is because you barely ever see the little devils and with most of the early sightings in the film reel, they simply exist as moving rocks. It’s like watching one of those terrible home video in search of a faint black speck in the brush that the videographers claim to be Big Foot.
These guys were mere details though, as if someone forgot to tell the director that if you’re making a sci-fi horror film, you probably shouldn’t neglect, or just mildly highlight, the aliens for the first 75% of the film. Without them we’re just watching a couple of guys walking around this big grey rock in space. Don't worry, though. I think while they were filming, one of the stagehands on set reminded the director and he managed to fit them in during, literally, the last ten minutes of the film.
Simply put, I wasted a chunk of my life I’ll never get back with Apollo 18. 88 minutes really felt like three hours. The only things affecting me like that before being the new Conan and science class. Apollo 18 is similar to science class because I felt like I was watching the same grainy, Neil Armstrong moon landing clip on repeat, over, and over, and over again...with a few, boring rock aliens.
Don’t give credence to the, admittedly, intriguing trailer for the Apollo 18 that sits on Hulu and plays every commercial break. It’s a classic, cinematic bait and switch - awesome trailer, dismal film.
I feel angry that I couldn't leave the theatre halfway through in distain of this movie for fear that I would seem like a non-dedicated critic. If you need to see two guys in astronaut suits on a low quality camera just bust out the old VHS camcorder and tape yourself and a friend in cardboard suits taking really big, slow steps. Weird? Probably, especially if you're grown men or women. But, hey, even that’ll be more fun than a sit through Apollo 18.
